Tales From Tech 2 - Issue: 17.75

Hello and welcome to Volume... Well, let's see. Hmmm. This isn't really a volume. It's more of an announcement. Think of it as Tales From Tech 2, Volume "My Boss Made Me Write This One." If you have to think of it in terms of numbers, let's call it Volume 17.75 because it's half way between the last one and Volume 18.

Anyway, thinking about my one-eyed Uncle Hubert and his albino flea circus reminded me of that old saying: You can't lead your horse to water and eat it, too.

SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION: I HAVE WONDERFUL, SPLENDID NEWS!!!

(My boss told me to sound excited about this. I hope this is okay.)

Anyway, the news I have is for all those individuals out there, looking for love...

No, wait a minute... I'm saving all that for Volume 31B, which should be out right after the issue on male pattern baldness.

Actually, the news I do have for you concerns a tutorial on Custom Reports that our Program Development Department recently completed and which is now on sale.

Yes, I know it's the moment many of you have been waiting on since you were knee-high to a grasshopper, but THE WAIT IS FINALLY OVER!!!

Now, everyone will be able to design their own Custom Reports within the program. Gone are the days of slaving over an old, hot word processor to cut, copy and paste your way to the perfect report. NOW THE POWER CAN BE IN YOUR HANDS!!! Well, the power can be in your hands for the ridiculously low price of just $39.95 US.

And, if you order within the next 15 minutes, not only will we drop the shipping cost, we'll also throw in a set if Ginzu knives.

No, wait. This just came in. We have just received word that all of the Ginzu knives we ordered for this promotion have inadvertently been misdirected to a monastery in Canada. But, there is good news! I spoke to The Powers That Be (that's what my employers want us to call them) and I have been authorized to drop the shipping costs and not just if you call in the next 15 minutes. You can wait and call in half an hour or even an hour after getting this message and WE'LL STILL DROP THE SHIPPING CHARGES!!! Okay, okay. There was never going to be any shipping charges. You can order it whenever you want and the price is only $39.95 US (plus sales tax if you are in North Carolina).

All you need is PowerChurch Plus Version 7 or higher, this new Custom Report Tutorial, some time, a little patience, a small chicken and four rubber bands and you will have everything you need to design the report of your dreams. You'll become the envy of all your friends!

THE DETAILS

The Custom Report Tutorial is a CD-ROM based, multimedia presentation designed to take you through all the steps of creating your own specialized reports. Before ordering, make sure you have a 350 MHz computer running Windows 95 or higher with at least 32 MB of RAM. You'll also need a mouse, a sound card, a 16X or faster CD-ROM drive and a video adapter set to display thousands of colors.

So, if you are ready to start creating the most beautiful reports you've ever seen, just give us a call at (800) 486-1800 and tell the receptionist that you are ready to become a Custom Report master.

Not convinced? Just check our Web site for more information or even a sample lesson you can download for free. The address is http://www.powerchurch.com/cr/.

DISCLAIMER

PowerChurch Software cannot be held responsible for the intentional misuse of the tutorial. Contents of the tutorial should not be inhaled or smoked.